The Fixer-Uppers: Flippin' Churches Part 2

 Our First Church!  God is Blessing! 

We just had our first church service; and God is moving and blessing.  There were eight people including my wife and seven children.  We had a great time, even though getting here took some real sacrifice.  We had to sell our last home, pack up everything we had in our tiny vehicle and drive cross country to a town where we don't know anyone and I don't even have a job; but we are trusting God to provide.  He will have to, since we know headquarters doesn't spend any money on us pioneers or "wasteful congregants" either. We aren't complaining though.  We know what happened to the children of Israel who murmured in the wilderness -{shuddering in fear}- my pastor just preached about it last Sunday.  We know how to be thankful, or else!

We have a fire pit out back  it has a great "ambience" and we are able to cook our ramen dinners over an open flame!  We are sooo thankful that God provides for us.  The 'Leaders' of our group came by and visited us; but chose to stay in their RECREATIONAL VEHICLE, oops, motor home.  They were a little disappointed in us for not "putting things together"; but we all scraped up enough gas money to get them to the next town.  My least-'un (youngest child) gave all her savings -- two dusty mites.

If we remain faithful and get enough members to contribute we are hoping that God will move us into a servicemen's work; so headquarters can reap the benefits of the tithe and offerings from those G.I.s when we send even more money to HQ;  they will, in turn, tell us they love and appreaciate  us while denying any request for financial assistance or using the general fund for anything .  We are hoping that one day we can be mentioned with the great ones that have gone before us.  We know that we will have to work very hard for many decades; but some day, we believe, we will be rewarded by sitting in one of those red (Board Member) chairs.

But for now, we will continue to be content in the poor state we find ourselves in.  We are praying for used mattresses to sleep on and more kook store apparel to clothe our young-uns. We sometimes think we have it bad; but we have to look back on our bible school days; and it helps us put things into perspective.  We sometimes battle demons; because people say some pretty bad things about us and our leaders.  We will not accept any accusations against them; because we see how God has blessed them; and one day we will be blessed just like them.  So stop being bitter and negative and share only those good reports, like what we're puttin' together here, y'all!  Praise God.

We may not be rich here in this world; but we are laying up our treasures in heaven.  We are doing a great work; and we don't have time to listen to the devil.  We just had a neighbor come by and build us some church pews out of cinder blocks and old closet doors without taking any money out of the general fund.  It was a real victory!  Our escrow is growing every week (somewhar); and we are paying our church tithe and pastor's tithe, even tho we don't know whar it all goes.

My last boss-man told me that I could no longer get off early on Wednesday evenings for soul winning; so I told him to take his job and shove it.  God will provide a better job.

For Halloween we posted a sign on our porch that said, "SCRAM HEATHEN" and listed a few scriptures that condemned those filthy evil children for dressin' up like demons, witches, and ghouls and observin' a pagan hooliday.  But just the same, tomorrow I'm going to send my wife to the store; so's she can buy the heathen's candy for pennies on the dollar!   It really pays to serve God, pay tithe, give in offerings, and be a good steward by saving money on luxuries like chocolate candy bars.

 NO COMPROMISE!  
 WE ARE WINNING! 

We are very excited about conference.  This year the theme is "We are Winning" (again)!  We were pretty sure that it wouldn't be "No Compromise" this time; and we were right.  We have yet to raise the funds to get us there; but I know Gawd will provide a way.  It will have to be a miracle for us to load up our 1968 "reefer bus" with "may-pop" tires and drive across country to attend "skits and workshops".

 Our Reefer Bus Broke Down; but Gawd Provided A Way, Again.
 We're So Poor We Always Need A Miracle To Get To Conference! 

We are very excited about the PA system segment.  Even though I can holler pretty loud, I would like to amplify my voice; so that those sinners sitting in the very back of the 16' by 14' room we're livin' outta and havin' church in will be able to hear me.  We have been to every conference since 1983; and we don't intend on missing the next one.  After all, it's a privilege.  We have talked seven brethren into piling into the 5 passenger mini-bus to help out with the gas cost.  Of course, in the past only 2 gave us a few bucks; and we had to park in a rest area with a sign on our car that said "Conference Bound, Anything Help$".  One of those fishy-Chirstians my pastor is always making fun of, some fella with a Christian fish on his T-shirt, gave us 20 bucks; so we were able to get there AND share a two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper. We don't drink Pepsi or coffee, since pastor is always talkin' 'bout them folks what have a coffee or Pepsi wid da devul.  (shudder)

 Cuppa Coffee wid d' devil 

 Havin' a Pepsi wid d' devil+vision 

We are very excited for our 13 year old daughter; because last conference a board member's wife asked her, "Which 20-something-year-old bible school student would you like to marry when you turn 15"?   We are hoping to get her married off real soon; before she discovers the pleasures of the world, or any pleasure, for that matter.  After all, it's better for her to remain ignorant; so she can be happy being barefoot and barren in the kitchen the rest of her natural borned days.   We are hoping we can kick all the young-uns out of the nest real soon; so we can be eligible to run a servicemen's home. It's such a privilege.  Yes,  it's a big sacrifice; but we had to get snipped; so that we wouldn't have any more "filthy evil children" that "hinder the work of Gawd." 

This Sunday I was goin' to preach about salvation and God's love for us; but Gawd has touched my heart and given me a new message; that really isn't new.  The topic is going to be "Giving As Unto The Lord"; and we are going to use old testament scripture from the book of Malachi.  It's very important that people learn; that the foundation of Christianity is giving to the church organization.  We wouldn't want you to be Gawd robbers; would we?  We just can't emphasize this enough; but we will try.

Last week after we took up the offering, we preached about women painting their faces and bobbing off their hair.  We also preached against the devil vision and being worldly.  LOL  You should have seen their faces during altar call.  My wife and oldest son both got saved; so we were able to add them to the weekly report to HQ.  We have a form that we fill out; that says how many got saved, and how many received the Holy Ghost baptism, and most important, how much cash money everybody gave.  It's really strange; but in our last work we had a total of 400 people get saved; but we only ended up with 2 faithful (tithe paying) church members; and they were the  workers that were sent down from HQ.  But we had a hard time getting along with them; so they requested to be moved to another work.  Oh well.

Next conference we will probably be moved to another work .  We will buy a place that looks like the place pictured on the left.  But after years of "giving 'til it hurts" my wife and I will have it looking like the place on the right.  It will take hard work and sacrifice.  But once it's renovated and lookin' like new, the org will send some dud to replace us; so they can shut down the work and sell that building at three times what we paid for it outta our pockets.

In the mean time we will be sent to a new work overseas with no idea where the escrowed money from our old church went.  If we ask about it, pastor will just say, "It'll be given back at the right time."  Course we know them's just weasel words for "You ain't never seein' that money again this side of glory!"

Oh well, onto our missionary work.  The organization promised us there would be money in the general fund at our new church.  But it will only be 32 cents.  They also told the foreign government official they would support us with finances; but they won't.  That's "just a formality'.  So my wife will get a job; even though in the States my pastor says that is "prostituting that woman".  But like one board member says, "sometimes in the work of the Lawd, certain things are necessary".  So get busy honey.

We won't be getting any money from the organization; even though they promised full support.  Since there are rich G.I.s in the area; we will be expected to "make it happen".  In fact, we won't even be called missionaries ;so the org can call us servicemen's home directors.  That way our organization can expect the G.I.s and us to pay all the bills without using any of the mission works pledge money they took up and squirreled away somewhar.

By the time we realize what's going on, we will want to come back to the States.  But the organization or my pastor will say, "NO!  THAT IS NOT GOD'S WILL FOR YOU!"  So when we do come back, the organization will not renew my minister's license; they will say we are no longer "in good standing" and that way they can justify welching out and not paying us the four years of back pay they promised to pay us for our time spent laboring overseas.  Oh well.  Praise God.

The other ministers in the org will hear pastor's version of our story at the next "Make It Happen" conference. He will tell the that our spending habits got us broke, and how we got old and fearful and stopped trusting God, and so now in pastors words we are runnin' from the call of God and goin' out gettin' jobs.  Our former friends will yell, "Amen!"  "Preach!" and "What a blessing, Sir."

Then they will volunteer to "make it happen"; and they will think that they will get different results than all who have gone before them; even though they do the exact same things as all who have gone before them...  Pastor says that's the definition of insanity -- expecting different results when you do the same thing over and over again... But they will do it.

And they too will wait for the blessing that never comes.  They've been convinced that if they give what pastor gives, they will have what pastor has.  Course, we all know he never really gave anything.  He just married the rich founder's daughter.  But nobody'll say that.  They're too scared to be called jealous; coz once you get labeled as a truth-teller, oops, trouble maker in that bunch, you will be run off.

But back to our former friends (Are they really friends?) who ditched us just because we go to a different church . . .   Though they give more than pastor gives, they will never have what pastor has; (unless they leave the org. or start their own group just like the one they came out of; or the filthy rich founder adopts another daughter and they marry her when she's 16 and they are 25....)

We hope that this letter will encourage people to come to our church.  If any of this scares you we ask that you just give us a try anyway.  We'll treat you in so many ways, you're bound to like one of them.  And if you don't it just means you are angry, bitter, and just didn't want God anyway.  So remember to share the good reports just like my pastor does when he is screaming from the pulpit about those "evil filthy children"  who "hinder the work of Gawd".  Amen.  Preach.  What a blessing.  Thank You, Sir!  May I have another?

Animal House Scene:  Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?  video link

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Related Posts:

Flippin' Churches Part 1

Flippin' Churches Part 3